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來源：學而思西安中考網(wǎng)整理 作者：學而思張杰老師 2011-12-19 11:29:32
第四篇：
There is some love around me. Among all the people, I think my parents love me best. I study so hard that I don't go to bed until mid-night. However, my parents will always turn off their light after I do. While I am writing this passage, my parents are standing at the school gate. I decide to buy some flowers for them to show my love this afternoon.
【實際得分：6+6+1=13】
張老師點評：從語言上看，這篇文章屬于“不求有功，但求無過”的類型，第三句話對于so…that…句型和until一詞的結(jié)合甚至還顯示出相當?shù)墓Φ祝@也解釋了為什么它會獲得1分的文采分。但是本文我想要給大家分享的是內(nèi)容分。這篇文章被扣掉了1分的內(nèi)容分，同學們能找出來它被扣在了哪里嗎？也就是說這篇文章少了什么要點嗎？給大家5分鐘的時間試一試。
---------
---5min后--
找出來了嗎？其實，這篇文章缺少的要點還是挺明顯的：How do you feel when you get love from him/ her/ them?這個要點可能只是一個形容詞，復(fù)雜一點也就一個句子而已。但就是少了這一小部分，就被扣掉了1分內(nèi)容分。要點是最容易得分也最容易扣分的部分，一旦扣分，就會讓學生痛不欲生。迄今為止我已經(jīng)點評了3篇關(guān)于要點的文章，就是希望同學們一定要保持警醒啊！正所謂：“題目字字是珠璣，逐條對應(yīng)莫大意。”
第五篇：
I've been surrounded by love from my family since I was born. For example, my grandma often stays in the kitchen all day long, cooking foods which are healthy and delicious for me. My father isn't good at expressing his emotions, but my mom said that he always kissed me good-night without letting me know at night. I didn't know that at all because I was sleeping! I feel happy when I get sweet love from my family. My family members are the only people who are willing to sacrifice for you for nothing in this world! Of course I love them too, and I'm going to show my love by caring for them as much as I can. I'll wash bowls after meals, chat with them and make them laugh. Studying hard and make them pleased with me is also a good way to show my love. I will cherish the love around me forever!
【實際得分:滿分】
張老師點評: 這篇文章亮點太多,只能在原文上批注.請看下圖:
同時,必須要說明的是:這并不是一篇完美的文章。
一方面，文章中是有2處錯誤的，我已經(jīng)在圖片上注明，所以并不是一定要完美的文章才能得滿分，只要有足夠的亮點即可；
另一方面，文章太長（156w），超過答題卷的范圍太多，可以想象它超出的部分肯定是非常擁擠且字很小的，如果不是這篇文章實在太精彩，想拿高分恐怕也很難。
正所謂：萬綠叢中幾點紅，哪怕葉上毛毛蟲……
又有家長呼吁上點學生習作，于是來一篇之前我的學生LYQ寫的作文。
Nowadays, the lunch in school is not as popular as it used to. Some students don’t like it so they go out of the school in order to eat the food they prefer. However, not all delicious food is good for their health.
I would like to present my ideas as follows. There is no denying that students ought to follow the school rules to have lunch at school, which can not only keep themselves healthier but also make it easier for the teachers to manage the students. But on the other hand, it is the responsibility of the schools to improve the qualities of their dishes. Only in this way can they attract more students to have lunch at school.
【實際得分：17分】
張老師點評：
這是我以前一個學生的習作，當時的題目如下：
現(xiàn)在，有很多同學選擇在學校外面吃午飯。這樣做是否正確？你的建議是什么？請寫一篇不少于60字的文章。
老實講，其實這篇文章是可以得滿分的，但是由于是習作，我強行扣掉了1分。這篇文章從文采來講，當然是很好的，但是其實其中很多句型，在很多文章中都可以通用，只要提前熟悉，要寫出來其實并不困難。例如文章中出現(xiàn)的”I would like to present my ideas as follows.” “There is no denying that…” “only in this way + 倒裝句”等等，都是我們平時操練過的。所以很多事情你看起來很困難，但是對于有準備的人來說也是比較輕松的。正如賈島詩言：“二句三年得，一吟雙淚流。”
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